Graduate School Fears

2008-08-10T19:01:28Z

In 15 days I will pack up a U-Haul with my life-partner, my parents and some friends, and move to Corvallis, Oregon to attend Graduate School at Oregon State University. This is all very exciting and terrifying and wonderful and dreadful and well you get the picture. On a level I know that I deserve this, I worked for it and I got it. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am so grateful that the universe has seen fit to open this path to me. I have been blessed with a Graduate Teaching Assistantship and other funds to help pay my way. It is even working out for my partner who will be attending school and working towards his RN (he really loves healthcare and I think it will be a very rewarding job for him).

I am TERRRIFIED! I keep thinking what will happen if we don’t have enough money, what if things don’t’ work out in graduate school, what if my partner can’t find a job, what if I can’t live up to the expectations of my department or Advisor, what if I really just wasn’t supposed to do this and it was all some seriously screwed up cosmic joke.

It also doesn’t help that over and over I am reminded that “I’m not in the kiddy pool anymore” and that this is going to be very hard. I bought a book to help me get into the mindset to accomplish this graduate school thing and it is terrifying me- it almost seems like you have to do just as much work to be organized as you have to complete your schoolwork! I have been contemplating buying a new planner for the new school year and read what the Author of the book suggests: 6 different levels of systems! I kind of understand where he is coming from but- Yikes! It is just on e of those thi gs that makes me feel that I may not be cut out for this.

I guess I just have to remember all of the wonderful support I got in applying and being accepted. My old professors and my boss seem to think that I can do this. Most days I even think that I can do this. It just all seems so overwhelming and scary.

On the bright side I know I am not alone, I have great friends, fantastic parents and a wonderful partner to support me though this journey. So I guess there’s nothing left to do but go pack some more boxes and get ready for moving day.

Something I came accross

2008-07-13T17:28:01Z

I'm getting ready to move and go to graduate school. As part of this I am cleaning out my computer files and organizing all the stuff I've collected there over the last few years. I found this little thing that I wrote and thought it would be appropriate to post during the month of our country's Independence Day.

Panel 17E Row 58

The traveling replica of the Vietnam Wall is sitting right now in White City, Oregon. I have spent the day (August 26, 2006) out there volunteering with my Mom and Dad as part of the Military Order of the Purple Heart Ladies Auxiliary and the Disabled American Veterans Auxiliary. My father is a veteran of two foreign wars, Korea and Vietnam. I remember visiting the Vietnam Wall in Washington DC when I was 15, I saw my Dad cry that day, and though he did not cry today he did something else that made me cry. He introduced me to Thomas W Meeks, who’s name resides on Panel 17E Row 58 of the wall, I know nothing about Thomas W Meeks other than he was sitting next to my father when he was shot inside of a helicopter, I don’t know what mission they were on, I don’t know what Thomas W Meeks rank was, but I do know that he was my Dad’s co-pilot and probably kept my Dad safe for several missions before taking that bullet. I have a picture of my father pointing a finger at his name, I could hear the sadness in his voice when he told me who Thomas W Meeks was, no details as with many of my dad’s war stories. This is the first time I have been able to put a name to anyone my Dad served with in Vietnam. And even though I didn’t know Thomas W Meeks I feel I should take a silent moment to remember him, he was my father’s friend.

As I walked along the wall today, looking at the names and mementos that people left behind I found my self very glad that my father’s name was not there. If it was I would not exist….. I was born 3 years after Vietnam was over, my Dad was home well before then. There is a sticker you can buy at one of the booths it says: I touched the wall and the wall touched me. For me it was more like: My Dad touched the wall and the wall touched me.

frog_faerie

Graduate School Fears

Something I came accross